Not the way we are

An incident occurred that really got me thinking and I would like to share, but first, as a background, I would like to give some insight into my person. Beyond being a writer, musician, businessman, poet and other interesting things, I also have many weaknesses and challenges that I grapple with and that reinforce the reality that it is often something outside of ourselves that makes us good. Some of these weaknesses include being perfectionist sometimes, impatience, a short fuse, being over-analytical sometimes, challenges with lustful thoughts, mood swings, struggles with foul language and swear words, melancholy thoughts and dark bouts of depression. 

Now, there is a particular neighbor of mine that I used to find particularly annoying. Beyond very devious and hypocritical actions, there was a particular habit which I found very irritating. Now, in his defense, it is not such a horrible thing, but I guess with my lack of patience, particularly towards the individual in question, the molehill was slowly becoming a mountain…and that was the very annoying habit of saying in five thousand words a statement that was as simple as “I will see you tomorrow”. Those close to me know I am not a fan of small talk or unnecessarily long meetings, so on this particular day when I was “accosted” by this chap, I was already ticked off that we were going to have a conversation in the first place – especially with the fact that we did not have a great relationship between us at the time.

So he had said something that ticked me off and I guess I just lost it. Instead of lashing out, (which would have been way better, by the way) I had paused and in a split second decided to really hurt him – and hurt him I did, with words that were calculated to hit like a sledgehammer below the belt and as I walked away, I noted with satisfaction the pain in his eyes and I knew I had struck a nerve.

I sometimes struggle with being vengeful too. I forgot to add that at the beginning.

So I went upstairs into my apartment and began to talk to my wife about the incident that occurred. She had listened patiently to me and I guess I will not forget the statement she made for a long time. She had said nicely “John, you should not have said that. That is not the way we are…”

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I sit sometimes and think about these words and the profundity of this simple statement sometimes brings tears to my eyes as I think about the reality of the struggle that is the God-chaser who is stuck in the flesh. One simply has to come to a place of understanding of who they really are and embrace that reality in totality as they live on earth – though life on this plane screams otherwise.

You see, when we come into God, we come to God with baggage, made up of our history and experiences, our scars, fears, defence mechanisms and insecurities. Then we find the light and are made perfect, NOT because of who we are, but because of WHOM we have on the inside – but yet, there is still the need to grasp the reality, not of who we were, but who we have become.

The kingdom of God is like an a city of living plants that breath carbon, turn to the sunlight and spew forth life, radiance and light, able to be in any location without movement, able to communicate without speech, able to bring forth living form from nothing….and then a grain of that city of living trees of life leaves that warm abode of radiant light, take a journey through dark space and finally lands in a world of men – actually zombies who negate the laws of life because as soon as they born, they begin to die…

Then that single spore, seeking to replicate itself and its nature of endless life, touches a zombie man. At contact, without words, the man is faced with a choice of embracing life, which will mean a loss of his nature to become alive forever – or to keep living as he had always “lived”…and wait to die. In that moment, if he chooses life, the spore goes into him. There is no physical change yet, but in reality, that man has become a living tree of life that will live forever. Over time he begins to yearn for water over a cola, yearn for sunlight instead of strobe lights, yearn for a connection with others over shallow conversation and small talk.

However, in the brief moments of transformation, moments that can be a lifetime, his old nature will wrestle with who he has become – and he will live like the dying every now and then…and loath that nature.

So is a rueful way, I am comforted.

When I look in the mirror and realize I am not the man I want to be, or when I go through my day and am crushed with lust, or when in the heat of anger I crush another man with my words, or do good deeds which are nothing but colorful attractive facades to hide selfish intentions – or when I am not the best father to my son, the best of husbands to my wife, and when in the throes of sin, I look to the heavens and know that in that moment, God is not smiling down at me, I, STILL, am comforted through the pain and grief that is the burden of the flesh as it longs to sin and debase the treasure carried in my earthly vessel.

Because these weaknesses are not who I am.

Infact, in the end, I will be fine, if I refuse to allow myself give in and be defined by these weaknesses. It will be perfectly all right in the end as I finally attain perfection when HE comes.

All I need do, is Abide…