Don't get married IF...

Today I write with a lot of pain, hearing stories of married friends who have gone separate ways. When these things happen, I have learnt never to take sides or to point a finger to any party because irrespective of what you may see, it is often hard to get the big picture, the true picture, if you are not in the marriage, in the home, living with the couple – and even if you are, sometimes, that doesn’t give you the full picture.

However, in discussing some of the issues with a friend, I feel that there is little useful information on key issues involving marriage, and on the core details around areas like sex, money, kids, in-laws, planning, people seem to be very quiet. The plethora of books around talk about love languages and keeping passion alive – but you cannot have sex all the time or always come home with a rose in your mouth to delight your spouse. Depending on what part of the world you live in, you may not even have a rose to buy in the first place.

The Church is often quiet on the details of sex, because people get really squeamish about talking about sex, but the Bible clearly says that older women should teach younger women how to love their husbands because the FACT is that great sex requires good TECHNIQUE and practise with your spouse and proper technique comes with guidance, and that is what makes pornography so stupid; the ways the people are pleasured on the screen will likely NOT be what pleases your partner and you will need to find out, IN marriage, the unique combination of stimulation or actions that please your spouse.

People hardly talk about money in the required details, but many fights stem from money because whether you do something or nothing about it, you will be taxed, there will be bills, you will need to eat, you will need to wear clothes... Very few people realise that their money loses value daily as it it sits in a savings account because of inflation and there are ways to get more return on your money. People hardly talk about temptation because hypocritical leadership always acts like you may not be drawn to someone of the opposite sex who seems to tick all the boxes you fancy, in more ways than your spouse – though in reality, it is when you live with someone you see their other imperfections, and you may realise that in comparison to your spouse, this other person’s imperfections could literally kill you. However, it is a very real fact that many are attracted to others who are not their spouses for several reasons – and that is nothing to be afraid of, but something that should be honestly accepted and dealt with properly. Denial is never the answer.

So let me start by saying this is not a manual on marriage because I do not feel I am in the position to give advice as an ‘Expert’ – and this is not me being modest, because I do realise that a marriage cannot be successful till it is over. So when I die, as I will (and as YOU will) or when my spouse dies, then our  marriage can be judged as successful if we stayed together to the very end AND if we had passed on something to those who came through us. I guess my angst and anger is not justified but I often get very angry (and may God help me with my impatience) when I ask people WHY they want to get married and I hear stuff that is purely lovey-dovey. I get EVEN more angry when I ask WHY they want to have kids – and I hear some really annoying stuff like ‘it is good’ and then I tend to say ‘WHAT are you going to do with the kids you have?’.  The general summary of what I hear is “We will have the kids and maybe we will figure out what to do with them’, like kids are nice fuzzy teddy bears and dolls you feed, clothe and send to school for the purpose of, well, feeding, clothing and sending off to school – and boasting to your friends as well when you say, “MY son just graduated from Harvard”…

My advice is that if you are not ready to put the work into it, if you are not ready to keep researching, if you are not ready to be a constant learner, if you think there is nothing more to learn but you have all it takes, then I beg you NOT to get married. Hire a chef, get into an online dating relationship or something and don’t starts a relationship with a spouse who you will piss off and yet, have no clue about how to resolve the situation – or even worse, bring kids into the world who will end up feeling abused because you are not willing to learn, to change, to grow and be something more than what you currently are. No one gets it right the first time and no one knows it all, but marriage is for those who are willing to learn, to accommodate and who are HONEST (such a key word!) and who can say, I need to learn new stuff because what I currently know now WILL NOT cut it.

Let’s step back for a bit. The reason for marriage can be summed up in two words: Pleasurable Perpetuity. The first part is the sweet bit that keeps things nice, warm and fuzzy and that makes the second part less painful. However, like a duck that looks as though it is enjoying being on a nice calm lake on a beautiful day with the sun shining overhead and birds singing sweetly in the trees, there is a HUGE amount of FURIOUS paddling underneath that is required to keep the duck afloat. In very plain terms, Perpetuity is the tough bit that requires Strategy, Skill, Resource and is totally driven by one variable – Vision!

What follows are my personal views on marriage and this is by no means prescriptive.
First, a person who is married or who is going into marriage has to decide to STAY. I do not believe there is one man for one woman, and while you may find your perfect “soul mate”, it is very likely that at some point, you may get tired of your spouse or that person may become hard to live with due to several reasons which could include hormones, financial challenges, emotional issues, weight problems, sexual issues, etc  I can go on an on. Now, each union is unique, but marriages that will be successful have two people who have decided that no matter what happens, even if one person cheats on the other, or insults the family of the other, or has traits that make it difficult to remain in the union, they will STAY! The first step to a successful union is STAYING. You are going to be in a union or are already in a union and to make it work, you will need to stick. Again, this is my view. I do realise that there are peculiar scenarios where a spouse starts to endanger the life of the other by being PHYSICALLY abusive. It MIGHT be best to separate (not necessarily divorce) in such a scenario and seek help.

The second and extremely crucial bit is to FIND HAPPINESS in the Union. No one is completely terrible. The person may be a heavy smoker but will have a great sense of humour, may have body odour but is sexually skilled, may have challenges with sexual immorality, but is an unflinching supporter and teacher of the kids, may be overweight, but an amazing cook… When one has decided to stay, you will find that focussing more on the good bits of your partner increases the chances of you being happy. Happiness is a skill and an art. You can make the most grumpy person smile. You can find amusement in tough circumstances by the size of your partner’s large tummy or amazing waddle. You can look that person in the eyes, say I love you with your heart and hug them for no reason. You can keep the embers of relationship alive.

Third, you will need to FOCUS the union. A marriage where the partners both have a clear sense of an objective that is BIGGER than their union tend to STAY in the union anyway and will not divorce easily over fights or disagreements or even a cheating or incorrigible partner. It is this kind of focus that keeps Mafia families and other popular families together. The vision or objective of the family may not be godly, but the principle is that Vision causes cohesion. The hardest question for most married folks to answer is “What is the vision for your marriage?”, “what’s the objective of your marriage?”. To clarify further, in case it is something you have not given much thought to, an objective that drives the marriage is what your kids will see tangibly (and intangibly) as a legacy and if it is done right, it will pass on from generation to generations from parents to offspring and will impact on how they live, how they spend, how they celebrate, how they marry or choose spouses…  It is often a self-perpetuating objective driven by an underlying philosophy. So to say, “The focus of our marriage is to make money”, falls terribly short because it begs the question, “Money for what purpose?”. Most of the powerful families in history have made great wealth, but often as a means to a larger end, which could be to control the throne, to be economic powerhouses, to raise lineages that will lend to nations, to enshrine the will of a deity in society, etc.

So, if you are not ready to plan, if you are not ready to keep learning, if you are not ready to forgive, if you are not ready to sacrifice, if you are not ready to love, if you are not ready to play, if you are not ready to give yourself totally to the person you will be with, PLEASE, don’t get married – and by all means, don’t bring kids into this world.

They don't need your unnecessary complications...