To lay down the sword?

Sometimes, in quiet moments, when I am sitting on my haunches and gazing at the horizon, or when I walk along a lonely dark road, or when I am sitting down on my bed in the darkness, laptop on my knees, fans blowing gently in the background, the first light of morning beginning to steal in underneath the curtains, my heart is filled with doubt.

Doubt at my purpose, doubt at what is meant to be, doubt in the words captured in holy writ, called the good book and passed on to me, doubt in God and his goodness in the light of the ‘reality’ that my eyes can see, doubt regarding the authenticity of the path that I walk upon, doubt about my person, my great weaknesses, doubts about my ability to make it to the end of this journey that I have covenanted to embark upon in pursuit of the unseen, in an endless odyssey that begins on this side of life as we know it and that continues for eternity.

For we are created for forever.

And as my inner walls come crashing down, as my fortitude is shaken, faith is tested, weaknesses exposed, inadequacies uncovered, my soul shakes its head clear of the blows dealt by life and my flesh as I remind myself again and again that this is not about me.

This is not about me getting to some ideal place of ‘perfection’ as described by man, but perfection as described by Truth in the words he left behind – for all the men called perfect by him were still flawed by men’s standards. This is not about me defeating all my demons and reaching a place where nothing goes wrong anymore with my morality, or where my life is picture perfect to be gazed upon by men, put on a pedestal and used as a compass for others to follow – which is a great place to be – but this is not about me, but about Him. And I dare say that if that is the way that I am to be nothing for You to increase, then so be it, because this was never about me, but you…

My heart is fixed, Oh God…

And now that I have given room to doubts and the children that she has birthed in my abode, listened to their slick conversations, the undeniable rationale, I shake my head and say, fair enough, you have valid points and in listening to you, I laid down my sword, slowed down on my journey, allowed myself take a beating – but in the larger scope of things, there is more than the confusion you place in my head because all the confusion centres around who I have been, what I may be becoming, what my highest ideal is…when the truth is that this is not about me.

There is a mist gathering in the distance and I can see several circles of vultures overhead, feasting or getting ready to feast on another carcass that was a brother or fellow soldier. I hear the battle cries that constantly fill the atmosphere of the unseen, but that is muffled by the honking of cars, the call of newspaper vendors, the haggling of market women, the whir of printers and computers, the arguments of board meetings – and I remind myself not to be fooled by what I see.

So I take up my sword again, rub some balm over my injuries, clean the sweat from my brow and go back to my map, because when you lose your way, going back to the first place is a good place to begin again. And now that I can hear the angels clearer, push my flesh lower, re-focus my energies on what really counts, with no fear and doubt in my mind, I pick up my sword for the fight and my staff for the journey, with readiness to follow Truth wherever he leads me on this side of life.

For I am the samurai and my loyalty is to be Lamb…

Samurai is translated to mean “One who serves”