Why do marriages break up? (II)

There’s a story I read some years ago of some prisoners who were told they would be adding some value by building a road. As the story goes, these guys were very enthusiastic and happy, morale was high and they put their backs into it, building the road. Perhaps they were motivated by the innate human need to make amends when one has done wrong, or maybe it was just the sense of fulfillment they would get when it was over, but for whatever reason, they worked hard at building this long road that went on and on and on…and on. 

However, at some point, productivity totally dropped for a simple reason.

Word had gone out that these prisoners were building a road to simply pass time. The road they were constructing in the middle of the huge expanse of land around the prison was leading to nowhere. On realising that their toil and tedium was largely for the purpose of passing time, all desire to go on building that road was lost. 

Marriage is pretty much the same. People are enthused about preparing for the wedding ceremony because there is a clearly articulated objective. Maybe people like having sex because they are clear that they want babies or they want a release or expression that is pleasurable. However, when it comes to marriage, you will be absolutely amazed if you ask people these fundamental questions:

1. What is the purpose of your marriage?

2. Why do you want to have kids - and if you already have kids, what the purpose for your kids?

I often hear answers like “It is good” – and that instantly begs the question, what makes it good? HOW is it good? Other answers are “God commands it!” which instantly begs the question, WHY does God command it? You see, while it may appear commendable to blindly obey God, I have come to believe that God expects you to find out the REASON behind his commands, not just stop at ‘God said so’…and this is where meditation, study and questioning come into play – but that is a topic for another day. Basically, God wants you to know WHY he ordained certain things so that when you explain and do these things, you are in alignment with the spirit behind the command – and by spirit, I am talking about the rationale, expected attitude and not an entity, eg the Holy Spirit. 

 So what makes marriages break up?

At the very heart of the matter are very fundamental reasons.

1. There is no purpose to begin with. 

2. The purpose is weak or short-term 

3. There is a difference in purpose. 

4. A lack of commitment to purpose  

Most marriages do not have any purpose or objective. So if you put a man and his wife in separate rooms and say to them, what is the purpose for your own marriage, you find out pretty quickly that most have no answer. They may give you a set of activities or desires, like children or need to make money, or text book answers like marriage being about sharing your life or finding companionship, but having a dog or pet can actually play that role. You share your life with a faithful partner who is there for you through thick and thin, who you take long walks with, who will always be there for you, fight and defend you and reward your affection with a reliable “woof”!

Other couples have defined some very clear purpose or goal that their union will accomplish, but quickly fall apart because that purpose is very weak or short-term. An example is to say, our wedding ceremony will be on the headlines of all the top magazines in Nigeria. Once the publications hit the street a few days after the ceremony, that union has basically achieved its purpose and may fall apart if it does not find another. Some ‘run away’ from family or society to get married, the purpose of their union being to ‘prove a point’. After the point is ‘proven’, activities and the regular routines of marriage kick in, and for many, that part of the package was not what they bargained for – and they simply buck under the pressure.

However, I think a common scenario is where you have a difference in purpose, with two people coming into a marriage that is supposed to be a union, yet having different reasons – and this is not as uncommon as you think. When you really examine couples or discuss with them individually, you often find the man may want something and the woman wants something else entirely. The man needs a pretty woman who is sexually savvy and the woman might want an affluent guy who makes her feel secure. So the man gets his sex toy and the woman gets her walking purse, but then what? When the woman begins to age, or when hormones kick in and she cannot deliver the goods, or after she has had a few kids and is struggling to keep up in the bedroom, the man may start losing ‘love’ – or if the union falls into hard times (which happens in most marriages) and the man loses his job or is unable to provide, the woman loses respect and love…

So what makes a marriage tick?

Very simply, a marriage has a greater tendency to stand the test of time if it is a union of two individuals dedicated to a clear long-term purpose that is bigger than their individual dreams and desires. 

This is how powerful teams are forged…